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Love


I love my girlfriend. I love her more than she knows. We fit together. She is not the person I imagined I would end up with. She has interests that I find strange and tastes that I definitely do not share, but underneath all of that we are the same. We are bruised and a little bit broken and terrified that the other will leave. We have both been left before. When we argue or disagree, neither of us tells the other exactly how they are feeling. After 18 months, we don't really lie, we just play it down and leave things out. It is because I can't lose her. I am scared every time we argue that I will lose her. The last person I loved spent four years convincing me we were "soulmates" and then fucked off when things got hard. I can't go through that again. I know I know, it is the nature of love, it is all a risk, but I honestly don't think I could take the pain again. More importantly, I don't want to. I want my girlfriend. For the first time in my life the idea of being someone's wife doesn't mortify me. The idea of raising a baby with someone...well...ok...that still scares the shit out of me, but less than it used to. And it is because of her, because I want to be with her.

I just need to stop being so fucking scared.

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December 2010

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